Hello faithful readers! It’s time for my annual All-Star Game running diary. Enjoy?
8:00: Still on the subway because I’m an idiot and thought the game started at 8:30. Hashtag oops.
8:01: Kase was kind enough to keep a tally of what was going on.
8:06: Kase says, “People are booing Cano.” Again. You didn’t think Yankees fans could get dumber, then they get upset about fan reaction at the All-Star Game.
8:10: Kase says, “Luke Ryan is singing the National Anthem.” Who? “‘Platinum Superstar’ Luke Ryan. Never heard of him. He looks like Ryan Reynolds.” Noted.
8:22: Made it home in time to see Ryan Braun double in All-Star Melky Cabrera, who makes his triumphant return to Kansas City. Baseball 2012; catch the fever!
8:29: Chipper Jones gives a speech to the National League All-Stars, who could not care less about what he’s saying.
8:30: George Brett looks like a hot dog in this file footage of him throwing out the first pitch.
8:31: Justin Verlander is all over the place. Every pitch is high. Behind on the hitters. If this was a regular season game, I’d imagine he was hurt. Or dating Kate Upton?
8:33: Pablo Sandoval triples in three runs to give the Good Guys a 4-0 lead on Verlander. Guess he should have started over David Wright after all!
8:34: “Jeter will have to make a spectacular play…” He didn’t. 5-0 Good Guys!
8:36: Verlander feeling the Kate Upton effect? NL leads 5-0 after half an inning. Game over?
8:40: “How often do people call him Ugly?” Kase on Dan Uggla.
8:41: Sandoval misplays a chopper off the bat of Derek Jeter. Wright should have started! (Also, that clear error is hilariously ruled a hit.)
8:42: Royals fans boo Robinson Cano. Again. Again. If you are a Yankees fan upset that Royals fans are booing Cano, promptly kill yourself.
8:46: Josh Hamilton crushes a ball the other way, and it … is … caught.
8:47: Jose Bautista at the plate. When Sandoval tripled to right in the first inning, Bautitsa reacted like he was being swarmed by bees.
8:48: “Blah blah blah”: Joe Buck talks about why Tony LaRussa didn’t have R.A. Dickey start the All-Star Game for the Good Guys. Get worse.
8:50: “Dark Knight Rises” TV spot. #dead
8:53: Melky Cabrera joins Barry Bonds, Willie Mays and Kevin Mitchell as the only Giants outfielders to ever make the All-Star team. Mitchell is the only one of those four to decapitate a kitten.
8:54: Bautista makes a great play in right field. No bees!
8:57: R.A. Dickey stands up to cancer, y’all!
8:59: Cain cruising. Maybe Stupid Tony LaRussa (TM) made the right call not starting Dickey.
9:03: This Robinson Cano “smile” promo is real.
9:04: Already bored.
9:11: Gio Gonzalez strikes out Mike Napoli, which is fine. But, wow, Gio Gonzalez! He went to the National League and became Oliver Perez circa 2004. What gives?
9:14: “Good pitching so far for the National League, in a city that features great barbecue.” “Yeah.” Tim McCarver gets the big bucks for a reason.
9:15: “This ‘Total Recall’ remake sounds like a great movie,” said no one.
9:17: How hardcore is Matt Harrison going to regress in the second half? Started with a 5.21 ERA, but has cruised since May 21 (1.52 ERA). Figure 6.70 ERA in August and September?
9:19: Rafael Furcal triples into right field. Jose Bautista continues to show some fancy leather.
9:20: Matt Holliday singles in Furcal to make it 6-0 Good Guys. Solid effort, Matt Harrison. The regression will be televised!
9:22: THE MELK MAN COMETH! Melky Cabrera hits a two-run home run off Harrison. 8-0 Good Guys.
9:24: Another triple to right field. This one by Braun. Bautista.
9:25: Cabrera went to high-five Cano while rounding the bases on his home run. He was denied. Cano isn’t smiling now.
9:30: “Everything he hits right now is a hit.” Matt Kemp has a way with words worthy of Rihanna.
9:31: Matt Kemp was the first player to ever tweet from the All-Star Game. David Price tweeted too. “Told you he went to Vanderbilt. He can type, too.” Way to go, Tim! That’s only a little bit racist.
9:34: Ryan Braun might have done steroids, but he’s still an awesome baseball player. He just robbed Prince Fielder to end the inning. 8-0 Good Guys.
9:37: Bryce Harper and Mike Trout filmed a promo together. It’s embarrassing, but forgivable since they can’t stay out past curfew.
9:38: Bryce Harper wears gold shoes.
9:39: Harper fouls off a Jered Weaver fastball and audibly yells, “Fuck.” He walks.
9:40: HAHAHA Harper tagged up on a fly ball to left field.
9:40: David Wright is up. I applaud.
9:41: Harper gets caught off second on a Wright comebacker. Oops. #fundamentals
9:45: Clayton Kershaw was warming up in the pen for the Good Guys, not R.A. Dickey. Just FYI for LaRussa haters out there.
9:46: Adrian Beltre grounds out on one pitch, just to prove this one is over.
9:47: Dickey is warming up!
9:48: “New Girl” star Lamorne Morris went to Kansas City and Joe Buck didn’t even bother saying his name on television.
9:49: Bryce Harper just dropped a fly ball. He’s the youngest player to ever make a boneheaded play in an All-Star Game. (They call it a hit, of course.)
9:52: “Here’s Asdrubal Cabrera batting for Derek Jeter.”
9:54: Clayton Kershaw loads the bases by walking Cabrera. Not a good night for 2011 Cy Young winners. Maybe Kershaw is dating Kate Upton too?
9:56: According to Amy Nelson, Charlie Sheen is at the game. Thought you’d like to know.
9:57: Kershaw about to walk in the first run of the game for the Bad Guys.
9:58: Nope. Kinsler flies out to Harper. 8-0 at the end of five innings.
10:02: Chipper Jones still comes up to “Crazy Train.” He “singles” off Chris Sale (and Ian Kinsler) in his last All-Star Game and proceeds to laugh it up at first base.
10:03: Andrew McCutchen’s dreads.
10:06: Sale is nasty. He strikes out David Frese to get out of trouble. It’s Dickey Time when the game returns.
10:07: “The Expendables 2” looks horrendous. Fun game: Imagine how many bad takes there had to be of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying “I’m back” if that’s the one they used.
10:10: Dickey in. Pitching against Mike Trout. This is awesome.
10:10: Trout singles!
10:11: Trout steals!
10:11:01: “Is there anything Mike Trout can’t do on a baseball field?” Shut up, Tim!
10:13: Mark Trumbo strikes out, kicking off his second-half regression.
10:15: Dickey hits Paul Konerko. Two on, one out. Eek.
10:16: Miguel Cabrera grounds into a double play. Dickey power!
10:20: Bryce Harper strikes out looking. He does not break the bat over his leg.
10:21: Derek Jeter is such a hilarious professional during this in-game interview with a nearly yawning Erin Andrews.
10:22: The part of the game where Tim McCarver and Joe Buck blow Joe Girardi.
10:23: David Wright strikes out. Ryan Cook, the best pitcher in the American League — at least tonight.
10:24: Sat on the remote and missed who was singing “God Bless America.” She’s blonde. She’s Southern. Does that narrow it down?
10:25: Cole Hamels coming on for the National League. Thanks for giving Dickey, the best story in baseball, so much time on the mound, Tony!
10:26: “The Bourne Legacy” trailer is fun?
10:30: Dickey gets interviewed by Ken Rosenthal and apartment 3L gets a little dusty.
10:33: Doing the dishes.
10:37: Still 8-0 Good Guys as we head into the eighth inning. Dickey is long gone from the game, yet Fox is showing clips from his climb of Mount Kilimanjaro in the off-season. As if you needed further proof of how much Fox wanted to focus this meaningless game on Dickey and how bad LaRussa screwed that up.
10:40: “First question: Are you serious?” Joel McHale and Kate Micucci made a Ford commercial with Ryan Seacrest. And it’s funny!
10:44: Chipper Jones basically ignores Ken Rosenthal. As you do.
10:48: Aroldis Chapman replaces an unhittable Craig Kimbrel, because LaRussa.
10:50: Chapman walks Trout.
10:52: Trumbo strikes out to end the inning.
10:54: “The Watch” has the most generic title and poster ever, but the trailers continue to look funny. Fox blew the marketing on this one, huh?
10:57: Fernando Rodney, All-Star.
10:58: Don’t you love when idiots like to say that the American League is better than the National League?
10:59: Joe Mauer is playing first base.
11:00: Asdrubal Cabrera just made a sick play at shortstop. You didn’t see it because you turned off this borefest two hours ago.
11:02: Fox is airing a show called “Mob Doctor” this fall.
11:03: Bottom of the ninth! Let’s do this!
11:03:01: By the way, I’ve got Braun winning MVP, though it should be Melky.
11:04: IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, TONY LARUSSA IS PLAYING MATCHUPS IN AN 8-0 ALL-STAR GAME BLOWOUT. Ahem. Wade Miley, a lefty, in to face Joe Mauer, a lefty.
11:04:01: Mauer singles.
11:05: Shockingly, LaRussa is leaving Miley in to face the right-handed Elvis Andrus.
11:07: Miley, throwing junk, gets Andrus on a grounder. Terry Collins (yay!), not LaRussa, comes out to make a pitching change. Classy, TLR! Joel Hanrahan and his stupid goatee come in from the pen.
11:09: “I’ve never seen a baby take a punch like that.” That’s how you market a film, Fox! (From the trailer for “The Campaign.”)
11:12: Hanrahan pitching like Charlie Sheen in “Major League.” (Callback!)
11:13: Billy Butler strikes out. Kansas City fans cry.
11:14: LaRussa (via Ron Roenicke) replaces Hanrahan with Papelbon.
11:15: Chevy Volts make people stupid. At least judging from the commercial that just ran, where a woman admitted to forgetting how to pump gas because of her electric car.
11:17: Matt Wieters flies out. Good Guys win, 8-0! And the New York Mets will have home field advantage in the World Series.