Some Thoughts On The 2013 All-Star Game

Hello, faithful readers! It’s time for my annual running diary of the 2013 All-Star Game. Enjoy!

7:43: You probably aren’t watching the All-Star Game pre-game show, but Joe Buck is standing in front of a podium to intro video packages and lol.

7:46: Joe Buck to Mariano: “You’re better than you’ve ever been!” Rivera’s WHIP is 1.25, his highest mark since 1995 #factsonly

7:50: Brett Cecil and Steve Delabar, American League All-Stars.

7:51: Terry Collins is an All-Star coach for the National League so expect Matt Harvey to throw 125 pitches.

7:56: Carlos Beltran received more cheers tonight as an All-Star than he did in seven years with the Mets.

7:57: Mets fans chanting “Har-vey! Har-vey!” is a legitimate chillz moment.

8:04: I write about entertainment for a living and have never heard of Candace Glover. She won “American Idol” and is singing the National Anthem. Good for you, Candace!

8:08: Tonight, the part of Joe Buck’s hair will be played by Hayley Williams.

8:10: Tim McCarver just said this was the last All-Star Game.

8:12: Tom Seaver throws out the first pitch with David Wright acting as catcher. Should’ve been you, Gooden.

8:18: Not going to argue with Buck and McCarver comparing Matt Harvey to Tom Seaver.

8:20: Mike Trout laces a double to right field against Harvey on the first pitch. Yikes.

8:21: Harvey nails Robinson Cano on the knee with his fastball. Greatest All-Star Game moment ever?

8:25: “What the Yankees won’t be pleased to see is Robinson Cano heading off the field.”

8:26: “Too much knee.”

8:29: I hope that Cano and Harvey don’t have any hard feelings since they’ll be teammates in 2014 #wishfulthinking

8:33: Already bored.

8:35: Instead of striking out looking, Beltran grounds out.

8:41: Tom Seaver’s shirt is covered with butterflies.

8:44: Harvey just blew Adam Jones out of the box with a fastball. The guy is just an animal.

8:50: Harvey, interviewed by Erin Andrews, apologizes for hitting Cano, which is kind of disappointing. No mercy, Matt!

8:53: Thinking Harvey could go nine here.

9:04: That Chris Sale doesn’t have seven or eight no-hitters already this year feels weird.

9:07: Matt Harvey, Clayton Kershaw, Patrick Corbin. Quite the come down.

9:15: Chris Davis’ 2013 OPS: 1.109

9:27: “Looking up at the sky, we have a clear view of ‘Elysium.’” Joe Buck, paying bills.

9:37: We’re at the portion of the game where Buck and McCarver talk about Mariano Rivera. (Just kidding, that’s been the entire game.)

9:38: First and third, no one out against Cliff Lee, National League already down 1-0. Not looking good, Cardinals fans.

9:41: Actual Tim McCarver quote: “You got to love it: a bare-hand double play. What?!” What, indeed. (Also, Brandon Phillips: player.)

9:42: Not feeling the running diary this year. I’m laboring like Matt Harvey against the Diamondbacks on July 3, when Terry Collins left him in for six innings. Let’s soldier on together.

9:45: The promo for “Dads” features a decapitation joke. Coming this fall to Fox! #taste

9:48: Fox just used the Pearl Jam song “Whipping” to go into a commercial break, so this is me writing from the grave.

9:53: Back from the great beyond, laughing as Jose Fernandez explodes fastballs at Dustin Pedroia.

9:54: We’re talking about Jason Grilli’s knee surgery right now.

10:00: Gary Sheffield and John Franco hugging it out, being awesome.

10:04: We’re probably watching the last pitches Grant Balfour throws in 2013.

10:09: Fox killing it with the music selections. Just played “Trying to be Cool” off the new Phoenix album.

10:11: This game is still going on.

10:12: Remember when the Reds wanted to make Aroldis Chapman a starter?

10:15: Chapman doing his Ricky Vaughn impression tonight.

10:16: Nelson Cruz going in for a take-out slide to break up a double play in an All-Star Game. Getting his licks in before suspension?

10:18: “Man on Fire” star Marc Anthony sings “God Bless America.”

10:19: Hard feedback.

10:25: Dinner time!

10:33: While we were eating (scintillating commentary, p.s.), the National League mounted a rally thanks to David Wright, but it was snuffed out by Brett Cecil and Steve Delabar. Of course.

10:44: Jason Kipnis just put this game away with an RBI double. 3-0 American League.

10:45: Craig Kimbrel doing his best Aroldis Chapman impression.

10:46: Now Neil Diamond is going to sing “Sweet Caroline.”

10:48: Not one All-Star was singing along to “Sweet Caroline,” which means they are replicants.

10:51: Enter Sandman.

10:51:01: In the eighth inning.

10:52:02: #leyland

10:57: Most of Twitter is still infatuated with the standing ovation Mariano Rivera received upon entering the game, but why is he in the game? There is a ninth inning to play as well. Leyland turned The Great Mariano into a set-up guy for Joe Nathan.

11:00: ”Not bad”: How Tim McCarver described the lyrics to “Enter Sandman,” after providing the audience with a spoken-word rendition. This happened.

11:06: Prince Fielder just tripled.

11:15: The rationale for Mariano pitching the eighth is that it’s the only way Jim Leyland could guarantee he got in the game. Of course, that ignores the reality that Rivera could have come in during the eighth inning if Nathan got into trouble. (Also, Bill Plaschke said Mariano should win the All-Star Game MVP for his hold.)

11:16: Fox played Pearl Jam’s new song, “Mind Your Manners,” going into that last break because I run Fox Sports now apparently. Hello.


11:22: Paul Goldschmidt just doubled off American League All-Star closer Joe Nathan, giving the good guys one last chance.

11:23: The home plate umpire is in go-home mode; just called a strike on Pedro Alvarez on a pitch that was six inches outside.

11:26: Game over. The American League beats the National League 3-0. The NL had three hits #citifield

11:28: I understand the All-Star Game MVP means nothing *and* that everyone loves Mariano, but giving him MVP for basically being alive is beyond.

11:30: Mo wins MVP.

11:35: I’m actually surprised the official scorer just didn’t award Rivera the save, because there are obviously no rules. P.S., this joke game decides home field for the World Series.

11:37: If we’re giving MVP to middle relievers, it should have been Steve Delabar. He got the biggest out of the game.

11:37:01: [I can’t believe I’m so upset by this. See you next year!]

Some Thoughts On The 2012 All-Star Game

Hello faithful readers! It’s time for my annual All-Star Game running diary. Enjoy?

8:00: Still on the subway because I’m an idiot and thought the game started at 8:30. Hashtag oops.

8:01: Kase was kind enough to keep a tally of what was going on.

8:06: Kase says, “People are booing Cano.” Again. You didn’t think Yankees fans could get dumber, then they get upset about fan reaction at the All-Star Game.

8:10: Kase says, “Luke Ryan is singing the National Anthem.” Who? “‘Platinum Superstar’ Luke Ryan. Never heard of him. He looks like Ryan Reynolds.” Noted.

8:22: Made it home in time to see Ryan Braun double in All-Star Melky Cabrera, who makes his triumphant return to Kansas City. Baseball 2012; catch the fever!

8:29: Chipper Jones gives a speech to the National League All-Stars, who could not care less about what he’s saying.

8:30: George Brett looks like a hot dog in this file footage of him throwing out the first pitch.

8:31: Justin Verlander is all over the place. Every pitch is high. Behind on the hitters. If this was a regular season game, I’d imagine he was hurt. Or dating Kate Upton?

8:33: Pablo Sandoval triples in three runs to give the Good Guys a 4-0 lead on Verlander. Guess he should have started over David Wright after all!

8:34: “Jeter will have to make a spectacular play…” He didn’t. 5-0 Good Guys!

8:36: Verlander feeling the Kate Upton effect? NL leads 5-0 after half an inning. Game over?

8:40: “How often do people call him Ugly?” Kase on Dan Uggla.

8:41: Sandoval misplays a chopper off the bat of Derek Jeter. Wright should have started! (Also, that clear error is hilariously ruled a hit.)

8:42: Royals fans boo Robinson Cano. Again. Again. If you are a Yankees fan upset that Royals fans are booing Cano, promptly kill yourself.

8:46: Josh Hamilton crushes a ball the other way, and it … is … caught. 

8:47: Jose Bautista at the plate. When Sandoval tripled to right in the first inning, Bautitsa reacted like he was being swarmed by bees.

8:48: “Blah blah blah”: Joe Buck talks about why Tony LaRussa didn’t have R.A. Dickey start the All-Star Game for the Good Guys. Get worse.

8:50: “Dark Knight Rises” TV spot. #dead

8:53: Melky Cabrera joins Barry Bonds, Willie Mays and Kevin Mitchell as the only Giants outfielders to ever make the All-Star team. Mitchell is the only one of those four to decapitate a kitten.

8:54: Bautista makes a great play in right field. No bees!

8:57: R.A. Dickey stands up to cancer, y’all!

8:59: Cain cruising. Maybe Stupid Tony LaRussa (TM) made the right call not starting Dickey.

9:03: This Robinson Cano “smile” promo is real.

9:04: Already bored.

9:11: Gio Gonzalez strikes out Mike Napoli, which is fine. But, wow, Gio Gonzalez! He went to the National League and became Oliver Perez circa 2004. What gives?

9:14: “Good pitching so far for the National League, in a city that features great barbecue.” “Yeah.” Tim McCarver gets the big bucks for a reason.

9:15: “This ‘Total Recall’ remake sounds like a great movie,” said no one.

9:17: How hardcore is Matt Harrison going to regress in the second half? Started with a 5.21 ERA, but has cruised since May 21 (1.52 ERA). Figure 6.70 ERA in August and September?

9:19: Rafael Furcal triples into right field. Jose Bautista continues to show some fancy leather.

9:20: Matt Holliday singles in Furcal to make it 6-0 Good Guys. Solid effort, Matt Harrison. The regression will be televised!

9:22: THE MELK MAN COMETH! Melky Cabrera hits a two-run home run off Harrison. 8-0 Good Guys.

9:24: Another triple to right field. This one by Braun. Bautista.

9:25: Cabrera went to high-five Cano while rounding the bases on his home run. He was denied. Cano isn’t smiling now.

9:30: “Everything he hits right now is a hit.” Matt Kemp has a way with words worthy of Rihanna.

9:31: Matt Kemp was the first player to ever tweet from the All-Star Game. David Price tweeted too. “Told you he went to Vanderbilt. He can type, too.” Way to go, Tim! That’s only a little bit racist.

9:34: Ryan Braun might have done steroids, but he’s still an awesome baseball player. He just robbed Prince Fielder to end the inning. 8-0 Good Guys.

9:37: Bryce Harper and Mike Trout filmed a promo together. It’s embarrassing, but forgivable since they can’t stay out past curfew.

9:38: Bryce Harper wears gold shoes.

9:39: Harper fouls off a Jered Weaver fastball and audibly yells, “Fuck.” He walks.

9:40: HAHAHA Harper tagged up on a fly ball to left field.

9:40: David Wright is up. I applaud.

9:41: Harper gets caught off second on a Wright comebacker. Oops. #fundamentals

9:45: Clayton Kershaw was warming up in the pen for the Good Guys, not R.A. Dickey. Just FYI for LaRussa haters out there.

9:46: Adrian Beltre grounds out on one pitch, just to prove this one is over.

9:47: Dickey is warming up!

9:48: “New Girl” star Lamorne Morris went to Kansas City and Joe Buck didn’t even bother saying his name on television.

9:49: Bryce Harper just dropped a fly ball. He’s the youngest player to ever make a boneheaded play in an All-Star Game. (They call it a hit, of course.)

9:52: “Here’s Asdrubal Cabrera batting for Derek Jeter.”

9:54: Clayton Kershaw loads the bases by walking Cabrera. Not a good night for 2011 Cy Young winners. Maybe Kershaw is dating Kate Upton too?

9:56: According to Amy Nelson, Charlie Sheen is at the game. Thought you’d like to know.

9:57: Kershaw about to walk in the first run of the game for the Bad Guys.

9:58: Nope. Kinsler flies out to Harper. 8-0 at the end of five innings.

10:02: Chipper Jones still comes up to “Crazy Train.” He “singles” off Chris Sale (and Ian Kinsler) in his last All-Star Game and proceeds to laugh it up at first base.

10:03: Andrew McCutchen’s dreads.

10:06: Sale is nasty. He strikes out David Frese to get out of trouble. It’s Dickey Time when the game returns.

10:07: “The Expendables 2” looks horrendous. Fun game: Imagine how many bad takes there had to be of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying “I’m back” if that’s the one they used.

10:10: Dickey in. Pitching against Mike Trout. This is awesome.

10:10: Trout singles!

10:11: Trout steals!

10:11:01: “Is there anything Mike Trout can’t do on a baseball field?” Shut up, Tim!

10:13: Mark Trumbo strikes out, kicking off his second-half regression.

10:15: Dickey hits Paul Konerko. Two on, one out. Eek.

10:16: Miguel Cabrera grounds into a double play. Dickey power!

10:20: Bryce Harper strikes out looking. He does not break the bat over his leg.

10:21: Derek Jeter is such a hilarious professional during this in-game interview with a nearly yawning Erin Andrews.

10:22: The part of the game where Tim McCarver and Joe Buck blow Joe Girardi.

10:23: David Wright strikes out. Ryan Cook, the best pitcher in the American League — at least tonight.

10:24: Sat on the remote and missed who was singing “God Bless America.” She’s blonde. She’s Southern. Does that narrow it down?

10:25: Cole Hamels coming on for the National League. Thanks for giving Dickey, the best story in baseball, so much time on the mound, Tony!

10:26: “The Bourne Legacy” trailer is fun?

10:30: Dickey gets interviewed by Ken Rosenthal and apartment 3L gets a little dusty.

10:33: Doing the dishes.

10:37: Still 8-0 Good Guys as we head into the eighth inning. Dickey is long gone from the game, yet Fox is showing clips from his climb of Mount Kilimanjaro in the off-season. As if you needed further proof of how much Fox wanted to focus this meaningless game on Dickey and how bad LaRussa screwed that up.

10:40: “First question: Are you serious?” Joel McHale and Kate Micucci made a Ford commercial with Ryan Seacrest. And it’s funny!

10:44: Chipper Jones basically ignores Ken Rosenthal. As you do.

10:48: Aroldis Chapman replaces an unhittable Craig Kimbrel, because LaRussa.

10:50: Chapman walks Trout.

10:52: Trumbo strikes out to end the inning.

10:54: “The Watch” has the most generic title and poster ever, but the trailers continue to look funny. Fox blew the marketing on this one, huh?

10:57: Fernando Rodney, All-Star.

10:58: Don’t you love when idiots like to say that the American League is better than the National League?

10:59: Joe Mauer is playing first base.

11:00: Asdrubal Cabrera just made a sick play at shortstop. You didn’t see it because you turned off this borefest two hours ago.

11:02: Fox is airing a show called “Mob Doctor” this fall.

11:03: Bottom of the ninth! Let’s do this!

11:03:01: By the way, I’ve got Braun winning MVP, though it should be Melky.

11:04: IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, TONY LARUSSA IS PLAYING MATCHUPS IN AN 8-0 ALL-STAR GAME BLOWOUT. Ahem. Wade Miley, a lefty, in to face Joe Mauer, a lefty.

11:04:01: Mauer singles.

11:05: Shockingly, LaRussa is leaving Miley in to face the right-handed Elvis Andrus.

11:07: Miley, throwing junk, gets Andrus on a grounder. Terry Collins (yay!), not LaRussa, comes out to make a pitching change. Classy, TLR! Joel Hanrahan and his stupid goatee come in from the pen.

11:09: “I’ve never seen a baby take a punch like that.” That’s how you market a film, Fox! (From the trailer for “The Campaign.”)

11:12: Hanrahan pitching like Charlie Sheen in “Major League.” (Callback!)

11:13: Billy Butler strikes out. Kansas City fans cry.

11:14: LaRussa (via Ron Roenicke) replaces Hanrahan with Papelbon.

11:14:01: […]

11:15: Chevy Volts make people stupid. At least judging from the commercial that just ran, where a woman admitted to forgetting how to pump gas because of her electric car.

11:17: Matt Wieters flies out. Good Guys win, 8-0! And the New York Mets will have home field advantage in the World Series.